Yes-23 » funny

Winter In West Virginia

Lady Kathleen — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 02:16:49 +0000

Possibly Related Posts:

Global Warming?

Lady Kathleen — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 01:32:10 +0000

Possibly Related Posts:

The Mechanic and the Surgeon

Lady Kathleen — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 01:14:12 +0000

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?”

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix ‘em, put ‘em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic…
“Try doing it with the engine running.”

Possibly Related Posts:

The Philosopher’s Bible.

Lady Kathleen — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 01:05:08 +0000

Explore My Views On Politics, Science, God, Whether The Toilet Seat Should Be Up Or Down, The Environment And Loads Of Other Stuff That Has Fallen Out Of My Mind And Onto The Page. It’s Funny, Controversial And Revolutionary, Even If I Do Say So Myself.

Experience the joy and frustration of exploring Alias Pseudonym’s views on life, politics, technology, science, the nature of the universe, feminism, football, god, aliens, al qaeda, obama, whether the toilet seat should be up or down, the environment, gay marriage and loads of other twisted but topical stuff that has fallen out of his mind and onto the page.

This is not a copy of his posts on opinionspace.net. These are the thoughts too controversial even for the internet.

This book contains the extended version of his latest lateral thoughts on every important subject, plus other related unique observations he has made on life, politics and human behavior which don’t fit neatly into any forum post or indeed into most people’s heads.

The Philosopher’s Bible.

Possibly Related Posts:

My Twitter Won’t Tweet!

Lady Kathleen — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 00:12:07 +0000

Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the times.

I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim line phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing.
Never could figure that out. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn’t figure out what to do with them and gave up.

That is, except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. “Hi, son,” would come out looking like, “Gh Qmo.” My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa’s crazy text messages. Give me a break.
What ever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn’t that what they were invented for?

The grandkids want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger.

“Way to go, son.” Or in my text language, “Xbz um Io, rmo.”

One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly-fishing. We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat south of Ellensburg, Washington. We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this strange thing.

His “Blackberry” rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn’t called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that ‘dealing with an elder despair’ look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son’s client’s changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and Faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on the Yakima River with us.

He then called his clients and told them he was Faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, “You are a little behind the times, Dad.”

I guess I am.

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouse, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife as every one in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady-voice inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time.
Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-ul-ating” You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS-voice lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to the grocery baggers. When they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Possibly Related Posts:

HIGH SCHOOL –1959 vs. 2009

Lady Kathleen — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 21:28:36 +0000

Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack...
2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD... The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to
foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock..
2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations... His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher.. English is then banned from core curriculum.. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1959 - Ants die.
2009 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents --and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Possibly Related Posts:

Guaranteed Pension

Lady Kathleen — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 21:25:03 +0000

Every elderly person is Guaranteed an accumulate wealth!

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Stones in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood

Lead in the Feet

Iron in the Arteries

And an in exhaustible supply of Natural Gas!

Bet you never thought being elderly would accumulate such wealth,

It is your Guaranteed Pension that the government CAN’T Take away!

Possibly Related Posts:

Firearms

Lady Kathleen — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 18:09:41 +0000

An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine, which I quote:

“If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you’re about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the US , than you are in Iraq .

Conclusion: The US should pull out of Washington .

Possibly Related Posts:

Catholic Horses

Lady Kathleen — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 18:09:40 +0000

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but
losing his shirt, Al noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track
and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th

Race.    Lo and behold, that horse – a very long shot – won the race..

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Al watched with
interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th
race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Al made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on
the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Al collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest would bless for the 6th race.? The priest again blessed a
horse.    Al bet big on it, and it won. Al was elated.

As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses,
And each one ended up coming in first.? Bye and bye, Al was pulling in some serious money.

By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.    He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last
race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Al also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Al knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.? Al, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, ‘Father! What happened?? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile.   Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings – all of it!’

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.? ‘Son,’ he said, ‘that’s
the problem with you Protestants, you can’t tell the difference between

a simple blessing and last rites.’

Possibly Related Posts:

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

Lady Kathleen — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 16:53:55 +0000

I finally got around to going fishing this mornin but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Possibly Related Posts: