Yes-23 » A Lighter Side

Only when you’re in the Navy

Lady Kathleen — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 03:53:29 +0000

This is a little known tidbit of naval history!

The U. S. S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her ship’s log, “On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum.”

Her mission: “To destroy and harass English shipping.”

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England . In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland . Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whiskey, and 38,600 gallons of water.

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The Blonde Bus Ride

Lady Kathleen — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 02:53:52 +0000

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, ‘What the heck’s going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!’

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered… ‘YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!!’

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A Little Christian Humor

Lady Kathleen — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 02:53:52 +0000

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.’

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: ‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I lost everything when the power went out!’

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate.

‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?’

God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES….

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Winter In West Virginia

Lady Kathleen — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 02:16:49 +0000

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Economic Repercussions

Lady Kathleen — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 02:13:04 +0000

The Economy Is So Bad…

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes.

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package:

GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico .

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won’t leave the lights on. (Now, this is serious)

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally…

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.

That figures… the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

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America Under Obama

RodZ — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 02:07:51 +0000

This was sent to us by John Norris, Ladykathleen’s cousin. Thanks John!

Subject: Fwd: FW: Letter From Grandpa – PRICELESS! …. Read It Is GOOD!!

John G. is 63 years old and owns a small business. He’s a life-long Republican and sees his dream of retiring next year has all but evaporated.

With the stock market crashing and new taxes coming his way, John assumes now that he will work to his dying day.

John has a granddaughter. Ashley is a recent college grad. She drives a flashy hybrid car, wears all the latest fashions, and loves to go out to nightclub s and restaurants. Ashley campaigned hard for Barak Obama.

After the election she made sure her grandfather (and all other Republican family members) received a big I- told-you-so earful on how the world is going to be a much better place now that her party is taking over.

Having lost both roommates because they lost their jobs, Ashley recently ran short of cash and cannot pay the rent (again) on her 3 bedroom townhouse. Like she has done many times in the past, she e-mailed her grandfather asking for some financial help. Here is his reply:

Sweetheart,

I received your request for assistance. Ashley, you know I love you dearly and I’m sympathetic to your financial plight.. Unfortunately, times have changed. With the election of President Obama, your grandmother and I have had to set forth a bold new economic plan of our own…”The Ashley Economic Empowerment Plan.” Let me explain.

Your grandmother and I are life-long, wage-earning tax payers. We have lived a comfortable life, as you know, but we have never had the fancier things like European vacations, luxury cars, etc. We have worked hard and were looking forward to retiring soon. But the plan has changed.

Your president is raising our personal and business taxes significantly. He says it is so he can give our hard earned money to other people. Do you know what this means, Ashley? It means less for us, and we must cut back on many business and personal expenses.

You know the wonderful receptionist who worked in my office for more than 23 years? The one who always gave you candy when came over to visit? I had to let her go last week. I can’t afford to pay her salary and all of the government mandated taxes that go with having employees. Your grandmother will now work 4 days a week to answer phones, take orders and handle the books. We will be closed on Fridays and will lose even more income to Wal-Mart.

I’m also very sorry to report that your cousin Frank will no longer be working summers in the warehouse. I called him at school this morning.. He already knows about it and he’s upset because he will have to give up skydiving and his yearly trip to Greenland to survey the polar bears.

That’s just the business side of things.. Some personal economic effects of Obama’s new taxation policies include none other than you. You know very well that over the years your grandmother and I have given you thousands of dollars in cash, tuition assistance, food, housing, clothing, gifts, etc., etc. But by your vote, you have chosen to help others – not at your expense — but at our expense.

If you need money now sweetheart, I recommend you call 202-456-1111. That is the direct phone number for the White House. You yourself told me how foolish it is to vote Republican. You said Mr.. Obama is going to be the People’s President, and is going to help every American live a better life. Based on everything you’ve told me, along with all the promises we heard during the campaign, I’m sure Mr. Obama will be happy to transfer some stimulus money into your bank account. Have him call me for the account number which I memorized years ago.

Perhaps you can now understand what I’ve been saying all my life: those who vote for a president should consider the impact on the nation as a whole, and not be just concerned with what they can get for themselves.. What Obama supporters don’t seem to realize is all of the money he is redistributing to illegal aliens and non-taxpaying Americans (the so-called “less fortunate”) comes from tax-paying families.

Remember how you told me, “Only the richest of the rich will be affected”? Well guess what, honey? Because we own a business, your grandmother and I are now considered to be the richest of the rich. On paper, it might look that way, but in the real world, we are far from it.

As you said while campaigning for Obama, some people will have to carry more of the burden so all of America can prosper. You understand what that means, right? It means that raising taxes on productive people results in them having less money; less money for everything, including granddaughters.

I’m sorry, Ashley, but the well has run dry.. The free lunches are over. I have no money to give you now.
So, congratulations on your choice for “change.” For future reference, I encourage you to try and add up the total value of the gifts and cash you have received from us, just since you went off to college, and compare it to what you expect to get from Mr. Obama over the next 4 (or years.

I have not kept track of it, Ashley. It has all truly been the gift of our hearts.

Remember, we love you dearly….but from now on you’ll need to call the number mentioned above. Your “Savior” has the money we would have given to you. Just try and get it from him.

Good luck, sweetheart.

Love,

Grandpa.

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Spread the Stupidity

Lady Kathleen — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 02:07:50 +0000

I thought on this day I would post some food for thought. Some are humurous and some are just things that will make you think. Have fun with them.

Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America does it take thousands of pages and special interest groups to pass a bill that will bankrupt itself.

Only in America do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America do we fight for freedom for years then vote in a government that wipes it out in less than a year.

Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER

….

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

If the Healthcare bill was so good why does the majority of the news about it sound like they did something evil?

Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

I like this one!!! If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If the Healthcare bill was so good why would they have to penalize the people for not joining?

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Will Rogers Quotes

Lady Kathleen — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 02:00:20 +0000

A fool and his money are soon elected.

A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that’s an alibi for my ignorance.

America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction.

Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie” until you can find a rock.

Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

- William Penn Adair Rogers 1879-1935

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Taxes – By Ray Stevens

Lady Kathleen — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 01:45:35 +0000

I ran across this video about taxes, and thought it would be a great one to post for a great laugh. And just think the best part about it, this country was started because people got tired of high taxes.

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Health Reform Scare Tactics

Lady Kathleen — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 01:36:16 +0000

I couldn’t help but post this after I saw it! I got it in my e-mail but it looks like it originally came from USA Today.

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